Friday, August 1, 2008

Fakers, Lazy & Fear

Well I've got to that point, the same point everyone under the sun gets to who has a physical disability that starts up suddenly, slowly or otherwise. It's the point where you realize that people around you who knew you when you were "fine" think that if you really sucked it up & just pushed harder you would be fine again. Um, first off why are they so vested in making sure you look well again rather than making sure you feel as best you can? I wonder if it they think you've just decided to be lazy? I wonder if it's their fear that this could happen to them?

I don't know, but I do know that sitting with my old boss listening to her complain about sick or disabled people who should just work harder to be well makes me worry about how long she will still count me as a friend. Who knows maybe she does already, but was being polite & that's why she was willing to talk to me. Maybe that's why she brought up other people we both know & went on about how they should just push thru it. With her I wonder most if it's lack of understanding or fear. She has a few medical issues herself & keeps going, maybe she's afraid she's next? Who knows.

But people like that make me fear I will be thought of as lazy or a faker so I keep pushing myself as hard as I can. Has that gotten me better? No it's actually made me worse. Does that stop me?: No, so far it hasn't. I am scared to get crutches because I am scared of the crap others I know will give me, so instead I stay in my house all day & do nothing.

So I'm at that point where I am on the tightrope between well & disabled. At some point I will fall & no that's not be being a pessimist, it's being a realist. I subluxed my elbow by sitting at my desk with my head resting in my hand while reading something on the computer. Yeah, that alone is enough to cause my elbow to come part of the way out of joint. I am going to get worse.

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