A bit blue

I'm tired, tired, tired of being chronically ill. I feel like this isn't my life, I've no clue how I got here or what I'm supposed to do now.... What becomes of a woman in her early 30s who's disabled? My mind is sharp (well as much as the gabapentin allows, lol), I am a smart, vibrant, outgoing woman who sits at home all the time & it's depressing. I think about going to college, but can I keep up with the course loads? What would I even go to school for? Is there a job I could do? If so what is it? I guess I feel a bit like a waste.

Well I guess I'm a swinger now

I was knitting monogamously, just one project cast on at a time. It seems most knitters are swingers, sure they've got their main project, but they've got a few on the side as well. I have a scarf that I've been working on that's been driving me a bit batty (patterns with heavy amounts of YO & I aren't able to be good friends), so I've cast on the antimacassar my mother has been asking for over the last 3 months. If it was warmer (it's snowing today) I'd even think about trying my hand at learning to knit a sock, but since it's so cold my hands are a bit stiff.

Organizing the Knitting

As a newer knitter I don't have a ton of stuff, but I realized it was starting to take over my "office" so I decided best to get things under control while I still had a chance. I had an old Mary Kay sales rep bag & some nice stacking bins for yarn.





It's got tons of pockets & compartments so it's perfect for supplies & needles.

You can see I lost a few of these pouches, but I found some others that fit well. They are velcroed on so you can just pull them off which is nice.

The top two are my grab & go pouches, they have all the basic/common stuff I might need & they are duplicates. That way if I leave it in the car or where ever I still have all the supplies I could need handy. Then I have an empty one & one with the tails from projects, I just can't seem to toss them.

The top left has my KnitPicks cables, the top right by "everything else" pouch. I've cable needles, stitch markers, pins, row counter & even more in it. Then on the bottom I have my tips (still in the little baggies they come in) & next to that my smaller sock sized circulars.











On the flap are a few pockets, I have the little stoppers for the KnitPicks cords & I'm sure I'll fine more for the other pockets.










Then in the main compartment I have my straights & in the thin pocket just in front of it I have a bunch of mesh project bags, they are green & you can just barely see them.









Then I have my stackable bins for yarn. Right now I don't have much yarn so it's all in one. Once I have more I'll separate it up more. I have at least 8 of them so they should hold out ok for a while.

My heart broke today

Today was one of the worst days a mom with EDS can have. Girlchild is to young to be dx'ed with EDS according to the "rules", but today I not only realized she as the same HCTD I have, but I caused her joint to come out. I could die I feel so badly.

I was putting her shirt on & she didn't want to put a shirt on & was fighting me a bit & her elbow went out. She was more upset than in pain & it went right back in after she moved her arm the same way I do when my is just a bit out. I have to will make sure I hold her upper arm from now on, not her hand.

How, as moms, are we suposed to deal with this? The guilt is so massive. She is fine & bounced back quick. She flexed her arm a few time over a few minutes & that was it. Ugh, this sucks & it's not going to get easier to deal with I bet. Somehow I think a mom's heart breaks each time their child has a dislocation.

Random Little Things & Some Pictures

Pictures are always fun so I'll start with those. A while ago I took some pics of me doing some EDS "tricks" so that I could ask a group of people with EDS if they thought I may have a HCTD, they thought I looked to be a person who could & told me to ask my doc. Both my docs agreed. I looked at a lot of pictures on the web & kept saying, yeah, but everybody can do that. So I'll share with you a few of my pics, perhaps if you are wondering if you have EDS you may see these & realize it's worth asking your doc about.




My leg turned in. Both legs do this, but this is just the one turned. I can go further than this, but if I do I causes mild pain, when it's just this far it doesn't hurt.





Then we have my crap ankles. The left leg is fine, no discomfort standing like that. My ankles roll like that, & more, while I'm walking & cause me to fall & that part sucks, & hurts.





Then the here's the easiest "trick" I've got, but oddly enough this one seems to gross people out a lot. I really don't understand why this one bothers people so much. This is called Swan Neck, I always called it Witch Fingers, lol.


So now on to my odds & ends. I went to the Parents Orientation for pre-school last night. I really think this school is a great one for GirlChild. She's going to have so much fun. I did mention to the one teacher that she may be a bit more prone to falling than the other kids as her ankles are kinda crappy already. Speaking of she fell & busted her lip today. Her tooth punctured the lip, but thankfully it didn't go all the way through & stopped bleeding before too long.

I am still feeling scared about my upcoming appt. Like what if he laughs me out of the office for wasting his time?

Oh & incase it wasn't obvious my headache is pretty much gone.

Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow

& just in case you weren't sure Ow.

I have had this one headache at the base of my skull for most of my life. Most days, it hurts, but it's not horrible. It's a bit of a bother, but for the most part I can just ignore it. Every now & again it turns in to headache from hell. Then it hurts as bad as my migraines, but it's not a migraine, nothing much works on the pain either. I just have to wait it out. I've tried going to the E/R for the pain, but as I can't have Toradol they assume I'm a junkie. I'll be seeing my neuro next month & will be getting a headache plan written up & in my file so that they will give me something for the pain so I can at least sleep my way thru it. It usually last 1-3 days, sometimes longer.

So anyhow I'm on day 2 of this beast & was up most the night from the pain. Tonight I get to go the the parents orientation for pre-school. This should be fun. Think they'll mind if I writhe in agony under a table?

Disabled, what does that mean?

Really I don't quite know what disabled means. I know the Websters on it, I'm able to read it & comprehend that. What I don't know is if I am disabled. There are so many forms of disabled that I don't know where I fit.

There is the % disabled where your STD or LTD decides how much to pay you based on how disabled you are. Well I'm not collecting that so that doesn't apply.

There is SSI/SSDI disabled where everyone (well except for those folks who pray for you & think you ought to drink wheatgrass & try harder) agrees your disabled. Well I don't get that yet so I'm not SSI/SSDI disabled.

Then there is the obviously something is wrong with her disabled, the sort where people look at you & say "well bless your heart, your such an inspiration!". I rarely ever get that so I don't think I'm that kind of disabled.

I do have a parking permit which makes some people give me rude faces, but since I fall randomly the DMV says I'm disabled.

My roommate says I am. So I wonder, when do you "become" disabled & how do you know? I fall randomly, can't work, am in constant pain, have problems with my legs, arms & head. Dunno, think I'll get a note in the mail to let me know?